Alive and Stuff

I am.

I’ve been too busy and exhausted to write anything of substance. I’ve been processing some things from way back, and it is not an easy work through.

Work is in the most busy time, so that doesn’t help. (Sometimes, I write you guys when I am at work because it is just that slow. Not right now.)

I have…so much on my plate. It is a good thing, because keeping me busy keeps me out of trouble. It keeps my brain from fucking with me too much. Because it seriously enjoys that…and after the conversation my husband and I had last night I know I am not 100% by myself in that aspect. It’s interesting, how you can be grateful, and happy, but at the same time…feel empty.

How do you fill it? What do you fill it with?

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Really Obnoxious Things!

-People

-Teachers and Media Specialists texting me on my phone. no. boundary line crossed.

-Emails after work hours. Many, many, many of them. So many I got pissed and set up a vacation responder that I am going to set every Friday at 4p.m. It looks like this:

Hi there–

This is a courtesy notification that it is non-business hours.

Business hours are Monday-Friday, 7:30 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.
I will see and respond to your email Monday morning.
Have a great weekend!
{notice how I left out “you selfish needy assholes who all want me in different places at the same fucking time, because you think your issue is the most important thing ever, OMFG.”}
-People bringing up work on the weekend when I am actively trying to NOT think about work.
-Work expecting me to somehow be in 4 places at once on Mon-Tuesday and still attend the optional bbq luncheon my new boss is holding at HQ which is like 30 miles out from nowhere. So hey, PMs and Mancave Assholes from Team Penii–enjoy that fucking bbq. The rest of us will be running our asses off.
-My husband. I love him–so much–but he is still recovering from surgery and he is in a pissy fucking mood. Yes, I get it. Stitches suck. Especially where his are. They’re a massive fucking inconvenience. You want to be recovered. You want your energy back. You want to be all better, right this minute. It doesn’t work like that! And after a week of being home, and then going back to our super fucking stressful work environment, I understand that he is worn the fuck out–but that doesn’t make me any more patient with his goddamn crankiness. I’m dealing with my own crankiness, okay?!
-the back to school clingy nervousness my Girl is currently throwing out at me. I think she’s about 95% recovered from pneumonia, which is what she morphed into after strep. I am totally using all of the patience I have to not snap at her, because she doesn’t deserve that shit.
-the Boy’s work scheduling him to work until 11 on a fucking Sunday night. Hello, some of us WORK REALLY EARLY in the goddamn morning, alright? And no, I know 730 isn’t that early–but I have to get up before 6 in order to get everything ready and then leave and deal with morning traffic before dropping off the Girl and then on the way to work.  Nothing that most commuting parents don’t deal with, it’s not anything special. Still, Mcdonalds. Suck it!
-untrained, large dogs. Dogs who are table size and stick their damn nose on your plate while eating. Dogs who lick your pants. WTF. Dogs that step on, then lick, your feet under the table. Maybe I’m just weird. But dogs shouldn’t be in the same “room” as you when you’re eating. If you’re sitting at a table, they shouldn’t be underneath it, beside it, or at it. Train them to keep a respectful fucking distance. You aren’t all up in their grill while they’re eating because they’d probably fucking bite you. My family has one thing down really well –> their dogs sit on the side of the line between kitchen and living room when ppl are eating. Not in the room. Peaches will mournfully stare at you from across the room, but on the whole she keeps her distance, and she doesn’t beg for food. It’s not cute. It’s rude.
I am trying this year to be professional, calm, and not let anything get to me. I am keeping things straight with my planner, work done in another book, and notating everything with tickets because until told otherwise I suppose I ought to use our outdated bullshit for tracking our work. I intend to go to the gym every single day after work. I am going to have to, because otherwise I am going to snap.
-teenagers. enough said, i think.
and on that note, i am going to bed. i am cranky and tired and i haven’t had time to write my pen pals or do anything for myself. today was the first time in two days i got an actual shower instead of a quick sponge bath and I look like death warmed over. Off I go.
How’s everyone else’s August going?

Panic mode

The teachers come back tomorrow
I have 14+ computers with dead hard drives. ..
I’m freaking exhausted
The girl went from strep to pneumonia and starts school next Wed
The boy is behaving… For now.  Helped me at work today.  Yeah.  I caved– theres too much to do solo. .. Since I refuse to stay until 9pm like some of my coworkers (anything after 4 is unpaid –& I stayed tool 530 today myself at two different locations)
I’m not gone just in super stress mode
Back soon
I hope?

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The boy drew this today illustrating what we were doing. 

It’s almost over~

Today, thankfully, is the last day of July. When I look at my planner for this month, it is full of scribbles and cross outs and moved notes and plans. July has straight up  kicked my ass this year. I am so glad that this year the summer schedule was not eight weeks long, only four. Even four weeks of this shit has worn me out, worn me down, worn me into a limp noodle of whining complaints.

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This is the front of the planner. Before I was actually “using” it. Now there’s about 500 more post it notes on there. 

I have managed to go to the gym about 4 times this month. On average that’s once a week. Not great. My mileage dropped significantly. I am attempting to not let this bother me because despite that I am down more pounds and I can tell I am still shape-shifting. I have spent the summer moving, cleaning, hauling a variety of machines. The majority of which weigh a minimum of 13.6 lbs, and the maximum weight was 33 lbs or something ridiculous like that. It was…arm and upper back muscle building, that’s for sure. In order to do what was needed, here is a sample of the routine:

Pick up machines from classroom. To do this you have to unplug everything. Wrap keyboard cord; put CPU on cart. CPU weighs anywhere from 13-33lbs. Repeat until cart is full. Shove cart to media center. Remove one at a time to take the lids off, which is varying levels of effort. Some of those fuckers stuck and others had grossness spilled on them and some of them some asshole teacher had TAPED SHUT with strapping tape..so yeah, that was fun. You take off the lid, line up the machines. Dust them out with the mask on. Put the lid back on. Put back in a pile so you can move them again later. Set up for imaging on tables. Turn on, set settings, image. Rename. Login and type passwords about six times per machine, that is always fun. I am so changing my password to something short at the end of the summer. Once complete, move again (after unhooking everything) and set in another stack with the label facing up so you can glance at it and see what it is. Each site has between 100-500 machines. So yeah. I’m tired.

But my arms are looking pretty good.

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Add in, everything was deleted (or is going to be) from our Active Directory. For you non-tech peeps, that’s essentially how our network knows the computer is allowed to be on our internet. You’re not in there, you don’t get online. So once everything is renamed, you have to go in and delete the old entries and make sure the new entry is in there, under the correct school. They also had us break it down between staff/students and classroom numbers. Which is SUPER DUPER fun times. I added the SN to each; and for the desktops what model it is. I am hoping this will make it easier when looking shit up during the school year. 

AND we’ve been doing a detailed inventory of each school. Room number, technology and all serial numbers, for the projectors bulb hours, etc. That has to be typed into an individualized spreadsheet for each building, separated by room. 

AND cleaning projectors, boards, and the wiring closets. Dust out the switches, wipe them down, vacuum etc. I haven’t vacuumed fuck all. I’ve dusted out, but ugh. It’s filthy. I will vacuum later..when there is time. 

Oh, and don’t forget iPads. My one site has 294 iPads that the majority of are still on i0s 6. They need to be on i0s 7.1.1 or whatever the current OS is. Maybe this year they’ll have a media specialist. All I know is, I am only verifying they can get on the WiFi and are on the current OS. If there are apps to push, I’ll push them, but since they haven’t figured out how they are managing them this year, who knows. That’s the absolute lowest priority on my list, let me tell you.

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Oooh and!!!!!!  Any wireless computer or laptop has to have the new wireless script run on it, or it isn’t going to connect to our internet EVEN IF the machine is named correctly. It’s all tiny stuff, but it adds up. Add in our insanely slow internet–we are literally running 30 sites and thousands of machines on like, 6 households worth of high speed internet)–and it’s taking fucking forever. 

Teachers come back August 14. I MIGHT have everything imaged by then. As far as I know, everything has been cleaned. Wait–there’s like 20 keyboards at my one site. I have four I manage. 3 elementary schools and 1 “high” school. It’s a small building, only about 200 laptops, 10 iPads. 

Today is the last day of our shitty July schedule. I caved at the end of last week and put in leave so I could come in at 7. Since I apparently hate myself, I came in late yesterday (9am) with a migraine and today (8) and have to leave early today…because my mother in law messaged, and my daughter is rocking all kinds of strep symptoms. Guess who is leaving to take her to the Dr? And get more germs spread on me? YEP. 

Tomorrow is our last Friday off. Good riddance. The plumber is coming to fix the leak I told the landlord about four years ago. It has finally gotten to the point that pest control noticed when under the house spreading mouse poison and it has damaged the foundation. Plus, you know, it’s like a constant waterfall for ants and mice. So yeah–now that it’s damaging the foundation, the landlord is fixing it. 

Tomorrow my husband goes in at 11 for pre-op, for his surgery on Tuesday. I will be out on Tuesday as well, because he is not going to be able to drive home, and he has to be driven in. If any of you are into praying..send some this way. His destroyed immune system is making this an iffy surgery. It could heal 100%. It could reinfect and like..get worse. He already has no immunity. If this heals, he then gets to go to the immunologist to find out how to rebuild it. *This is probably a major reason why I am so stressed.*

I did t25 on Tuesday, and my muscles are so sore I can barely walk. I walk kind of like an inelegant stagger. S00per sore muscles. If the Girl has strep, then no Zumba for her tomorrow. No playdate either.

I am going to be so fucking glad when school starts back up. I have to figure out my kids driving school stuff since he has apparently dropped the ball….again. Surprise! Once school is up, it’s going to be gluten free crock pot food and routine everywhere. In the gym in the afternoons. The Girl will have to suck it up and deal with going to the kids room. I’ll loan her my iPad or something. It’s not like I stay there a long time..about 40 minutes, max. Then homework, bathtime, story time, the works. She will go to bed I will have time to study my Security+ shit I’ve been blowing off. I will go to bed. I will get up ass early, get her ready, myself ready, and have everything packed and in the car the night before. Except lunch, and we will grab that and go. My goal is to be early, not late.

I am on a no-spend “challenge” to myself for the next 90 days. I intend to put any extra money I have towards bills…snowball style. I am attempting to use up all of my art supplies. I am still sorting the house and putting things outside in the shed, which finally showed up. There is SO much to do. I have to iron all of my husbands shirts before Monday because even though he’s got like..30 thrift shop/Kohls clearance work shirts..I’ve been washing them and stuffing them in a bag instead of ironing them. So I’ll re-wash them and press them. 

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I was working on stitching to sell at Otakon in the hopes I could make enough money to replace the washing machine, which is no longer really cleaning things. It runs, and if you wash it through like, 1 cycle with soap, one cycle with vinegar, and one cycle for rinse–then it’s mostly clean. Clean enough anyway. Makes me super fucking angry. I want a washing machine that works–new or old–for my birthday this year.

 

What else….? I’ve been doing some crafty stuff. I’ll add pics for you guys. Mostly I’ve been zombie’d out. The whole week the girl was gone I didn’t do shit..no workouts, no nothing. Just sat on the couch, read a book, then passed out. I’ve been really into Instagram as of late, posting pictures, commenting, and checking out other crafty people. Nails, planners, and puggles have been my recent faves.

What is everybody else up to?

 

 

 

Good Mail

Yesterday was a great mail day.

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The best part? All of this was $17.99 total. WIN.

I am not excited about my 90 days of no spending. Starts Aug 1, but seriously this payday is all bills, so it really starts this Thursday. Meh.

Waiting for pen pal letters, and practicing lettering.

 

Push

I’ve not been writing much because it is July. Two more weeks of this crap.

This song? This sums it up for me.

Also, the posts I’ve been putting up–the writing–they are exhausting. It scares me to post them into a public space, where anyone could see them. There are a few people who know me that read this, and they don’t know this backstory–I worry that it will change how they see me. I have to post it, because it scares me. Too much dreaming. If I lived through this, then someone should know. My family certainly doesn’t. Bits and pieces, but not all of it. It is difficult, because even though I wrote all of this out a few years ago (when I was already an emotional wreck so I figured why not dredge it all up and spit it out), I still have to proofread it when I post it here. Format it, make sure nothing is too terribly misspelled.

When I read it, I can see it, and feel the ghosts of it on my skin. I usually spend a few hours at the gym after posting things like this, just so I can go home and smile at my husband and kids and act like nothing much is going on. My husband can tell, but he is used to my sudden bouts of unexplained sadness. They just are, and I cannot always explain them to him. He accepts that.

I don’t know if I will post the remainder–I can post what I have, what has been written so far, but I don’t know if I am ready to repost the remainder of the past. There is so much of it. When you’re trying to self destruct you throw yourself into every bad situation you can–and I did very well. I almost succeeded in taking myself out, as planned.

But I am still here. Still fighting. Still refusing to cave in, to give in, to give up. FUCK you, universe. I will stand, and survive, and nothing is going to break me. Nothing.

Just some thoughts.

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I will make it. No matter what it takes to get there.