Scribbled down last night while driving home from the gym:
Why do I run?
to shut down my
to clear my head
to get past the hate that
randomly bubbles up &
threatens to choke me
to push past myself
and just be.
to silence all the doubt
the shrieking, screaming Fury that
so she can rip to shreds
what I’ve recovered
rebuilt of my life
/destruction is her favorite/
It is the sickly sweet, saccharine taste
crumbling to dust in my mouth
the aftermath of chaos unleashed
with nothing left to rebuild
only then is
her voice silenced, my head clear
broken, but at peace
Originally posted on Pete Warden's blog:
My first girlfriend was someone I met through a MUD, and I had to fly 7,000 miles to see her in person. I read a paper version of the Jargon File at 15 and it became my bible. Just reading its descriptions of the internet I knew it was world-changing, even before the web, and as soon as I could I snuck into the local university computer labs with a borrowed account to experience the wonder of Usenet, FTP, and Gopher. I chose my college because Turing had once taught there, and the designer of the ARM chip would be one of my lecturers. My first job out of college was helping port the original Diablo to the first Playstation, and I spent five years writing games. I’ve dived deep into GPU programming. I’ve worked for almost two decades at both big tech companies and startups. I’ve…
View original 1,044 more words
I seem to be in a writing slump, as of late. I haven’t been writing in my paper journal, had in fact started leaving it at home. I haven’t been writing here, or even reading much here, to be honest. I’ve been leaving my computer in my car overnight –perhaps in the hopes someone will steal it?– and only using my phone to check in on places like FB and Instagram. Instagram is my place of choice lately. I don’t have to talk there. The irony..I want my husband to talk to me, and my best friend, and my sister, but I don’t know what to say. So I get frustrated because he talks to like, everyone on his damn video game team, and random friends, but then doesn’t say much to me. Totes immaturely jealous and not pleased with myself for it. Grow up, J. You know better…and don’t listen to your brain. It’s a liar.
Work is going..still playing catch up. There’s a fuckton to do, and I’ve been here an hour, and haven’t really done anything except look at my tickets and think about driving to WaWa to get some caffeine because this water isn’t cutting it. I am trying to force myself to drink the entire water first, however, as I have gotten out of the majority of my good habits.
I remembered to bring the iPad with me today so I can go to the gym with the Girl after work. I am so tired that going to the gym seems like a bad idea, but I know the majority of this is coming from allergy reactions (thanks, Fall, and thanks, Brain, for telling me it was totally okay to eat those gluten infused items–) and low level, lingering sadness.
-haven’t murdered the teenager
-new washer and dryer (and new payment plan to my Dad, of $100 every payday until February..jeez)
-splurged on new shoes and they all fit, despite being ordered online
-pen pals are cool
-packed up stacks of stuff from inside the house and took it out to the shed, and now the house feels slightly less warehouse like.
My husband is still in a terrible mood, probably because he is healing, but not at the rate he wants to (ie: fucking immediately with no setbacks) and it is starting to weird me out. The combo of trying to keep him cheerful and dealing with his snappish insults and irritation (which I know are not directed at me, they’re directed at the universe in general, because he is sick of being sick) and the Teenager and the Girl clinging to me I am running out of good cheer and upbeat attitude. Plus, not being able to work out due to time constraints and scheduling shit is really, really hurting my morale.
Had nightmares this morning about my ex-best friend this morning..although in the dream I did actually physically punch her in the face several times and shove her out the door, which was satisfying but not as much as I’d hoped. I would really like to never ever think about her again, honestly. And what the fuck is she doing surfacing in my dreams anyway?! Get the fuck out, you backstabbing lying cunt. She is one of the handful (and I mean small handful because I don’t waste my time hating people for no reason) of people who I have told myself I do not have to forgive what they did but I need to get past it, and since I’ve severed all the relationship ties, it should be easy to do. I don’t waste my energy actively hating them anymore but I do kind of absently hope something awful happens to them. Like maybe the same thing they did to me? Over and over and over again so they can see how fucking awful it was and that yes you are a bad person, you dumb motherfucker. You are, you are, you are. And yes, people can change..but it takes effort, and willful acknowledgement, and if you don’t acknowledge you’re an asshole, how are you ever going to not be one??!
In the meantime, I shall slap on my happy professional face and not worry about the fact that everything feels off kilter, since it is probably me, and to not trust my brain because, as the Bloggess has proclaimed: depression lies. It lies, and lies ,and lies, and there is nothing you can do to make it stop except survive the tsunami and pick up the pieces when it’s over.
On Sunday I’m going to be 34 years old. Not sure how I feel about that, but I am pleased to be about 45lbs lighter this birthday than I was last year. That is always a plus.
How is everyone else holding up? Anything new and exciting? Wondrous events? Cool crafts?
I’ve been too busy and exhausted to write anything of substance. I’ve been processing some things from way back, and it is not an easy work through.
Work is in the most busy time, so that doesn’t help. (Sometimes, I write you guys when I am at work because it is just that slow. Not right now.)
I have…so much on my plate. It is a good thing, because keeping me busy keeps me out of trouble. It keeps my brain from fucking with me too much. Because it seriously enjoys that…and after the conversation my husband and I had last night I know I am not 100% by myself in that aspect. It’s interesting, how you can be grateful, and happy, but at the same time…feel empty.
How do you fill it? What do you fill it with?
-Teachers and Media Specialists texting me on my phone. no. boundary line crossed.
-Emails after work hours. Many, many, many of them. So many I got pissed and set up a vacation responder that I am going to set every Friday at 4p.m. It looks like this:
This is a courtesy notification that it is non-business hours.
Business hours are Monday-Friday, 7:30 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.I will see and respond to your email Monday morning.Have a great weekend!
The teachers come back tomorrow
I have 14+ computers with dead hard drives. ..
I’m freaking exhausted
The girl went from strep to pneumonia and starts school next Wed
The boy is behaving… For now. Helped me at work today. Yeah. I caved– theres too much to do solo. .. Since I refuse to stay until 9pm like some of my coworkers (anything after 4 is unpaid –& I stayed tool 530 today myself at two different locations)
I’m not gone just in super stress mode
The boy drew this today illustrating what we were doing.